Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
