Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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