i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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