Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
