Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
