she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just want nice things and good sex
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
