I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
