the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
