Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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