Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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