Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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