I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
