I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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