I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
