You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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