Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
where are you?
Hypothermia
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
