If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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