i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
smell my finger.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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