I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
