I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
