I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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