tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
