I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
