your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Girls should come with a carfax report
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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