Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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