why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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