I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
