And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
