Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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