70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
