I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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