he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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