Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
