I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
