youre lurking in front of me
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
