My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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