he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
