Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
