What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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