mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
