I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
