this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
