Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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