I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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