I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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