I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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