We're facebook friends in real life
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
