DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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