I wish life had little blips of pornography
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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