did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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