Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
