...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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